Holy disappointments

Has something disappointed you today?

To be honest. My answer is quite often 'yes'. I we very often get disappointed. Things are not always as I want them to be or as I expected them to be. Or even in moments when situations it ends up being exactly what I wanted, I can get disappointed. I accomplish what I desired. The prize is just in front of me. However, something is not right. I was promised happiness. A loud promise. Yet, that promise was not fulfilled. Because it was a lie. A lie I told myself.

"If you just manage to be a runner, run four times a week, you will feel more energized. You will be happy"

"If you just get through this semester, get good grades then you will be happy"

"If you just plan your summer vacation so that you will be traveling, living the time of your life, then you will be happy"

"Maybe if my mom starts respecting my boundaries I will be happy"

"When my husband starts buying me flowers, I will be happy"

"If you just get asked out on a date soon, it will be fun, and you will feel that your worth is being acknowledged, and you will be happy"

"If you just create a great circle of friends, you will be happy"

"If I become pregnant, then I will be happy"

Maybe one of these resonates with you. Or maybe the promise sounds otherwise. What do you think you need in order to be happy?

I was promised happiness. As a gift wrapped up in a bag ready to take home and keep it safely for me to keep. But then I realize it's just one of those one-time-use samples. Now I used it up, and all I can do is throw it away. How disappointing! I don't know about you but I will usually try to cover it, fool myself to believe that the promise was fulfilled. Distracting myself, fool myself just so I don't realize that I am just that - disappointed.

"Oh well running didn't fulfill me, but that's just because I need to run faster and longer".

"I just need to explore more when I travel, or I just need to visit cooler places, that's all, then I will be happy"

You get the idea. It just goes on and on.

It's not an easy run to run away from disappointment!

Because disappointment can be terrible, right?

So I have tried to attain these goals. I have also tried to hide the disappointment in reaching them. Key must be to prepare well enough to avoid them, right? So I do all these things to make sure I will avoid it in the first place. Do everything I can to protect my heart. It can be called research, overthinking, planning, control etc. So I wonder, why is it that there is so much fear behind all of this? I realize more and more that it is my attachment to things. I get attached to these visions and schemes of things, people and situations. I am trying to be in control and to be able to predict every possible situation.

Do not be afraid. Just let go, dear. Just let go for awhile. Look how tired you are. Just let yourself realize that you. Are. Disappointed!

Okay Jesus. I am disappointed. With many things. With even things I shouldn't be. Good things. Even amazing things, like family, friendships, even prayer. Jesus, I even get disappointment in you. Of course you cannot disappoint me but the image I have of you sometimes does. I know it's all for stupid trivial reasons. But this is how I feel. There I said it.

That's okay. Feel it, receive it. It's not as painful as you think. I am allowing you to feel it, because I am trying to teach you something. I am trying to redirect you.

The more I feel loved, Jesus allows me fear disappointments less and less. And just let go. He allows me to burn the foundation that is not Him. He shows me all of these things, that are keeping me from His love and His presence. But only, only in His love am I able to see the truth. Because when I feel loved, I feel safe. If I let go of His love, I will wrap myself in any possible defense mechanism and protect myself with the shield of subconsciously techniques of psychological hiding. So I need to receive His love to stand on a firm foundation. Then I will not be shaken. Not because I am stabile, but because He is. And then then I can face my disappointments without being deadly afraid. And He shows me why I am disappointed. Sometimes because I am stained by false expectations. Sometimes I search in the wrong places. Sometimes I search for Him where He is not. Disappointments can be so many things but most of all I realize something new, something surprising!

They can be a sweet little touch from Jesus.

I imagine Him holding my hand and showing me which way to go to next. Me blindfolded and Him guiding me. That's what He does. I don't realize that I am blindfolded.

"Jesus what are you talking about. I see everything very clearly".

"So how many fingers do I show you right now?"

"Okay you're right. I don't see anything"

"Right. So let me re-direct your steps."

And that's what the feeling of disappointment can be sometimes. A reminder that I am blindfolded and I need Him to guide me and help me to build my foundation on Him first of all. A foundation of never-ending grace, fulfilment and happiness. Sometimes our hope is so big, a true reflection of heaven, so big that no things on earth can fulfill them, yet we still put our entire hope in what is earthly, things, relationships etc. Only to be disappointed. In these things. In people. In ourselves. In the images we ourselves create about who God is.

Today I was disappointed in myself. In the fact that I planned to go to the Eucharist in the morning and have a beautiful productive morning. In reality I woke up 2 hours later than planned, prayed and left home in a rush. I was disappointed in myself. But that's okay. Instead of hiding in shame, I will give it to Him and let Him teach me how to do better next time. Let myself be re-directed. At least try.

Disappointments are not meant for bring us into shame or despair. They are meant to be brought to the feet of Jesus. They can be holy. We can ask ourselves: has something disappointed me today?