Scared of the f(r)og?

(This was written back in september 2023)

I went on a hike today. As I am not working at the moment because I’m on a sick leave, it both gives me space to focus on rest and taking care of myself, but exactly that also comes with a responsibility.

Because taking care of yourself when you’re sick is not really face masks and bubble baths all day long, it’s more like saying no to things you actually really want, making that healthy meal even though it seems exhausting to do and dragging yourself to the gym.

So here I was - on a hike and intentionally wanted to make it a hike of prayer (big recommendation btw), listening to Housefires, books on Hallow and just talking out loud with Jesus about all the things that are stirring in my heart. And then suddenly - I almost stepped on dead frog. Ew. There it was in the middle of the path.

Irrelevant, you might think. Actually, you'd be surprised that maybe not. Because to be fair, parts of me has felt like that exactly that- a dead frog. Just lying there. With no physically capacity to rise up.

Well. Let me explain in a less bizarre metaphor. On a spiritual level there has been a lot of ache in my heart lately. And an ache without God can be really heavy. Because an ache in itself can seem meaningless. But an ache that is actually an ache pointing towards Heaven, is something completely different. If we truly believe that God is upholding us and that Heaven is our true Home - no wonder we feel homesick sometimes. Because then this life is not our destination. It’s just the ship towards Home. No wonder that we don’t feel settled but restless until we rest in Him (as Saint Augustine says).

And this is something I do believe in my heart - and at the same time I tend to forget about it. So here I was, trying to open up this ache to Him in prayer. Fighting the impulse to run away from it and fall into despair because of it. Fighting to - stay. in. it. Embracing the discomfort. And something in me did open up.

I suddenly realized, I haven’t really been looking around me while I was walking. I was walking in the midst of God’s amazing creation and not really paying attention to it.

And it hit me how much God had preciously spoken to me through nature, so I tried to listen. Not really with my ears but with my heart. “In this moment, God, what are You saying?”

And my heart was moved to the horizons of the landscape - and the fog. (Not frog this time). Honestly, it was a quite mild fog. I mean I could see almost everything. So it was more of a slight filter on everything I was seeing around me. As if someone decreased the colors, brightness and clarity a little bit.

And then I head a whisper in my heart.

“My child, this is the kind of fog you have in your life right now. Because you are not at peace in your soul, the fog seems overwhelming and difficult to navigate in. But if you open your heart to actually see, you would see dear child, that it’s really not that dense, it’s really something you can handle. You’ve done much harder things before. You can do this, I promise. With me I guarantee, you can”

Ohh..

It was 20% funny to hear. I mean it’s like those youtube videos of cats being scared of cucumbers. Maybe you have seen them, if not, this is your sign to google it. Poor ones experiencing fear for something as harmless as it gets. And we watch videos of it - because it’s funny. That’s how I felt. Like the cat. I thought it was the fog that would make everything invisible for me to the point where I could as well have been blind (dramatic, I know). And here it is - just a friendly fog just somewhere out there in the horizon.

The last 80% of me felt deep relief. Because I needed that comfort and reality check. Anxiety has us seeing things much worse than it actually is. It's smart because anxiety's job is to keep us save, to survive. And exaggeration of the risk can help us to be more careful. So it's smart of anxiety. However, anxiety without our reasoning is not very helpful, because it can exaggeration the risks too much, to the extend that we become way too careful. Anxiety without reasoning can make us terrified of the fog - and maybe the frog, too. Even though none of those two things can hurt us.

Jesus says it to the disciples and his followers over and over again: "Be not afraid!". He knows that it's not good to let anxiety or fear take the wheel.

Maybe, I'm thinking, because anxiety can underestaimate God. With God, we have nothing to fear deep down. He is our key to survival. Not just physically but spiritually, too.

He has us. He upholds us. He's got it. Even the dead frog and the fog.