Owning my own neediness

How often do you do something with the hidden intention of seeking attention?

I know that for me it is more often than I would want it to be.

How many times have you beating yourself up whenever you realize that you are desperate for attention?

For me it is... well more times than I would want it to be.

And it made me want to take it a little deeper, in prayer and in conversation.

What if my heart is trying to tell me something, and I am just shutting it down with the voice shame and self-blame? What would this movement of my heart actually look like without these wounded voices? And then in prayer and turning back to God a sense of relief rushed over me. It is okay.

In fact, it is more than okay. It is good.

 Let me explain. Something that I have been praying for lately is greater mercy towards myself. That the way I see  myself will be a reflection of  how God sees me. Go big or go home. I know. And it didn’t take me long to realisze that He never shames me. He never tells me that I am wrong or tells me that what is happening inside of me is wrong. And so while embracing this compassionate look of God, I tried to see my heart through the eyes of mercy rather than shame and asked myself with curiosity – so what's up with this need for attention?

And it was as if God walked me through moments when I was seeking attention and a pattern was clear to me. In those moments my heart was like an empty cup. For one reason or the other, I was in a state of deficit.

The reasons for being empty were many: I gave more of myself than Jesus asked me to. I took responsibilities that were not mine. I was trying to fix things that were not mine to fix. I didn't come to the well when I needed it - or came to the well but somehow in my own distraction left empty handed again. Well whatever the reason - my cup was empty.

And this time I was trying to fill it up with external validation. I wanted to fill that cup up with attention. However, it's just a quick fix. The cup is very easily emptied again. And the quick fix is distorted – it’s like putting a band-aid when you are heavy bleeding. But the desire behind, in this case the desire to heal, it is well... good.

I imagined how Jesus was looking at me. Not pushing, not putting pressure on me, not judging or teaching, just with a merciful heart looking at me and waiting for me to turn to Him and be filled up again. Not just a bit. But for the cup to overflow. He was affirming my desires. And in that I knew that it was not so much the attention but in fact it went deeper. It was really about the desire of being loved, known and seen.

The profound desire of my human heart. The hunger for that perfect love, that only God can give. A love that not only loves because it has to, but a love that desires to love. A love that sees the person and delights in that person.

And isn't that something that is very deep in all of us? Whether we want it or not, somewhere deep inside, I think it's a universal desire, that we desire to be seen, acknowledged and affirmed. And maybe this isn't so bad after all. Maybe in fact, it is even natural.

It's so natural that it’s deep in us biologically as well. It’s hard to find a psychologist who would disagree about the statement that humans are social beings. We are deeply wired for connection. Babies do not develop properly if they are no in continual healthy relationship with at least one parental figure. The famous founder of the attachment theory John Bowlby made this discovery and stated that the baby needs positive social interaction as much as other basic needs such as food. It is that fundamental. When we grow up we become less dependent on our parents – but it doesn’t change that we are dependent on relationships.

As a clinical psychologist I often hear clients tell me that they are needy with shame in their voices and that they need help to become less needy and independent. Just like I did in prayer. And man is it important that we replace those lies with the truth that of course you are needy. That means you alive!. You are human being, a person which means you have needs. And one of those universal needs is to be in relationship and to be seen by others.

If we go back to the spiritual level of neediness and look at it again: maybe our neediness is actually not only a sign that we are social beings but also that we are made in the imagine and likeness of God himself. And God is a Trinity and therefore relationship is not only something he values but it is who he is.

Wow. I don’t about you but for me but I need to let that sink in.

God is relationship. 

Maybe that desire and neediness is an ache towards relationship – with others but also with God. And that is good. Just like I once heard Christopher West say at a conference in Copenhagen about the theology of the body: A prayer is becoming a longing for God.

I'll sit with that for a minute. A longing is deficit, lack of fulfillment. That is to lack something or someone. So if the desire leads us back to God, it might be in fact very natural and very good after all. On a natural and spiritual level.

It's the end of the story. That God delights in us, in you, and in me. For me there is no greater affirmation than the Creator of the Universe delighting in me. I just so easily forget it. Maybe you do to. So why don’t we try to marinate in it, daily. Like Emily Wilson once said – marinate like a chicken in it, that you are loved.

So I pray that next time you and I catch ourselves seeking for attention, we’ll be gentle and redirect ourselves towards the One who is always there, waiting for me. And I pray that we won't shame ourselves for being needy of attention. Let’s cling to the truth, that it is our heart’s longing for God that we experience. And that longing is so good.