Paintings & desires

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What are your desires?

First time I did a spiritual exercise of Saint Ignatius, I was asked to meditate upon this question. I was very confused by it. What does that have to do with anything? A waste of time, isn't it? So I blamed my confusion on the exercise. But it kept coming back to me afterwards. God kept asking me this question. And it was a bit annoying. It was in fact beautiful that someone would want to know the depths of me. Very beautiful. And refreshing, I realized that I could not recall when I had ever asked myself that question before. Not to confuse it with the similar one 'what do you want?'. That one I both use and hear daily. What do you want to eat for lunch. What do you want to wear etc. But desires!

I didn't know the answer to the question, and that was the annoying part. Not the question itself but the difficulty of finding an answer. Would God really ask me that? Would He encourage me to focus on myself, wasn't I supposed to forget about myself and be selfless? And what if I would find a desire that I did not want to have? What if it could not be fulfilled? It was the demon of fear reaching out for me again. Fear that God is not good after all.

He is good. Why would I be afraid to meet a God that is goodness himself? And why would a good God create me with desires that could never be fulfilled? It doesn't really make sense. But my own convincing was not sufficient, so He stopped me and told me gently.

Anna, I created those desires in your heart. It might not look like it because you have been hiding them, so they have changed in shape and size. But they are all from me. All you have to do is find them, identify them and bring them to me. I will unmask them & show you the truth.

And so I feel like a little girl. Trying to mix colors - green, brown. Painting leaves. Maybe a little sun on the top right corner of the paper. And then bringing it to her dad. Not even sure if He will be able to recognize what it is. Most of all ashamed of not stay within the lines when coloring the sun. And so I bring my drawing, not proud of it but still. Bringing it. And so He looks at me.

Amazing! It's a tree & a sun. Before you started I already knew you would paint that. The idea itself was from me.

In fact, it is me!

What does that mean? It does not really make sense. So He asks me to sit down, because He knows it will take time for a little mind like mine to understand. He starts from the beginning.

You are created in my likeness. So are your desires. You just can't see me in them, because they have become stained. I have given you desires, holy desires, because I am holy.

As God allows himself to be born in a stable in Betlehem, so He allows himself to be born in the mess of our hearts.

They are the deep longing of our hearts. They are hidden, just as pearls are often hidden. So has God put His mark in the depths of our hearts. Desires like the desire for healing, growth, joy, acknowledgement, feeling loved, creating something, making a change, experiencing something new, living a fuller life. And those are all things God wants for us.

Some of the leaves are colored with green in ways that make them merge into the tree and the sun does not have a perfect round shape. It's actually not a really nice tree. But that's okay, it's still a tree. Sometimes He has to explain me that it's a tree, when I cannot even see it myself. He explains where He is in it, and where His mark is on it. He removes what has to be removed and explains what has to be explained.

And in it I feel loved and I no longer fix my eyes on how deformed the sun is but feel proud about being able to bring something to Him. It reminds me that I am a daughter with a father who listens to me and sees me. And it makes me want to paint something again. Not because I am Picasso but because I feel loved when we talk about something that really matters to me and apparently really matters to Him too. He tells me stories about how I could also paint a little bird, maybe even a cat sitting next to the tree. We add things together, correct things. But He never asks me to throw it away.

So He asks about my desires, and I try to bring them to Him. Sometimes I fail, I get distracted by what I want, instead of what I desire. Sometimes I get distracted and fail to silence my heart. I bring as much as I am able to. Sometimes what I bring is very stained. Stained by weakness and brokenness. But that's not what matters. He will purify them. What matters is that I identify them and bring them to Him. They don't always put me in the best light. Sometimes they are silly, they seem either too small or too big to offer to Him. But He wants all of them. He names them when I cannot do it myself. Explaining me what He meant by giving them to me in the first place. And my favorite part - He fulfills them. Not always at once. Not always in the pace I want. Not always in the ways and places I want. And definitely not because I deserve to. But because He wants to, and because they are all small signs that I belong to Him.

I am by no means an expert in Ignatian spirituality but I am beyond grateful to Saint Ignatius for passing on His love for God and teaching me to talk with God as a good Father and to seek His counsel more and more.

I pray that we may not fail to see the Divinity in us, that we may not fail to meet him in the depths of our hearts, and that we may trust that there is no desire He cannot fulfil. It can take time, it can take courage sometimes. A lot of courage. But it's a fun adventure.

What are your desires?