Windows

Lately I was thinking how cool it would be to be a window. But not any window, I am talking about those freshly cleaned ones. They are so clean, they almost shine. I asked myself why there is such a pleasure in looking at them. I realized, the beauty lies in the transparency.

I thought for a long time as a Catholic and as a human being in general that I had to strive to become better. Which in some ways is true, we have to strive for more, and not let us selves be too comfortable. But it is frustrating because no matter how much I try, it is too tough of a challenge for me. I am simply to weak to become better, so I fail in my strivings all the time.

I fail to be a good friend. I fail to be a good daughter. I fail to be a good student. I fail to be spread joy. I fail to be a good Catholic. I fail to be confident. I fail to be funny. I fail to be productive. I fail to be organized. I fail to live my live fully. I fail to live up to any standards, that either the world makes for me or I make for myself concerning my beauty, my personality, my everything. I fail to be a good person overall. How frustrating to realize that, and how hard to accept that - because I am really trying hard to be all these things, I am really putting an effort into all of it. Yet, it all trembles under my feet.

And in my running after trying to be a better version of myself, I got so caught up in my running that I forgot who I am running to. So God stops me in the midst. At first I don't recognize His voice, I am so focused on the run itself. He tries again, and once again. It is not an easy job for Him to get through to me. So I continue my run, growing more and more weary. I was never really a runner anyway. But I continue because that's what I'm supposed to, right? Running to become that version of myself. But He gently and gracefully opens my ears for me to hear the Truth. And then He speaks again.

"I would rather have you than your deeds.

All the goodness that you are trying to give me, I have it already.

I am Goodness itself. Take off your running shoes for awhile and let me explain everything to you"

And so He tells me about many things. Sometimes in pictures, in parables, in a language I can understand. In a language that is mine. He points to the mask I am wearing. He tells me how much He cannot stand it. I am surprised because I thought He was always asking me to wear it. And it is a good mask. It is beautiful and covers anything that is not. But as beautiful as I am trying to convince Him that it is, He cannot stand it, because it covers the woman that He created. Now she is covered with these 'deeds'. It's all fine. But it's not her. It's not true. And as the God of Truth He is, He cannot love anything that is untrue, anything that is a lie. No matter how beautiful of a lie it is. He can only love what exists. He can only love the Anna that exists. Truth is, she is difficult to love. She is full of flaws. But as the mysterious God He is, He chose her. He never wanted the holiness I am trying to give Him. He has plenty of that himself. He himself is Holiness. Instead, He wants us. That is something He does not have - as long as we are wearing masks.

So instead of trying to show God that I can do better, that I am striving to make Him proud. I will just be a window. Sometimes very stained. But still a window. To just be transparent. Both transparent to myself, to others and first of all to Him. The authentic me, as stained by sin and by weakness it may be. And I will try not to be anything else, but just try to make myself and ask Him to make me transparent.

And while I sit with Him letting His presence overflow me and cleanse me, I cling to His promise of letting His power sanctify all the dirt in me. And in the proces I will not let myself fall into despair of any stains on my window. A dirty window is still a window, and can still reflect Light, though not all of it, still some of it. Not because the window is the Light itself, but because it is a window. And maybe one day God as the powerful window cleaner He is can make me one of those freshly cleaned window. A window that generously lets the Light shine through, not stopping any sun ray to itself. Not because it is Light itself, but because it is transparent.